All Sorts of Things

Why Star Wars Is Better Than Real Life

majoranon@gmail.com — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 00:19:38 GMT

In real life, people drive "the Pacer", "the Pinto", and "the Station Wagon;" In Star Wars, people drive "Speeder Bikes", "X-wing fighters", and "the Millennium Falcon."

In real life, bar fights with strange looking people are often looked at as bad and sinful; In Star Wars, bar fights with strange looking creatures is heroic and the way of the just Jedi Knight.

In real life, people that talk to small fuzzy creatures are called crazy; In Star Wars, people that talk to small fuzzy creatures are called galactic ambassadors.

In real life, people who dress up in tight plastic/leather outfits are considered tacky and queer; In Star Wars, they're called "Storm Troopers" and are feared by all.

In real life, people often stink up the bathroom with their fecal odors, toilet paper runs out, and people get diarrhea; In Star Wars, no one has ever used the bathroom.

In real life, tall hairy, humanlike creatures are rarely seen by backwoods alcoholics, and are named ridiculous things like "Bigfoot" and "Sasquatch"; In Star Wars, tall hairy humanlike creatures are called Wookiees, and have their own language, planet, social structure, and carry formidable weaponry.

In real life, people must deal with the problems of children; In Star Wars, children do not exist.

In real life, it is often difficult to understand the languages of others, such as 7-11 employees, fast food window operators, and college profs.; In Star Wars, everyone understands everybody, regardless of language barriers.

In real life, the extremely obese are often sadly shunned by society; In Star Wars, the extremely obese Jabba the Hutt is a pimp daddy, and has his own sail barge, lounge room, and dancers to keep him occupied--he is envied by all.

In real life, people often have problems doing simple mechanical things like operating can openers, programming VCRs, and playing Nintendo; In Star Wars, Droids do all the busy work in half the time.

In real life, some people are complete losers; In Star Wars, everybody has a story to tell that's worth listening to.

In real life, people sometimes smell; In Star Wars, people are never "ripe", and yet they need not shower

Expressions For High Stress Days

majoranon@gmail.com — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 00:11:47 GMT

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?

3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

7. Do I look like a fucking people person?

8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

11. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

12. You! Off my planet !

13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

15. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.

20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.

25. Allow me to introduce my selves.

26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

28. Better living through denial.

29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

31. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

39. Back off! You're standing in my aura.

40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

42. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

46. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

48. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

50. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!

51. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

52. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

53. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

54. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

55. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."

56. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

57. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.

58. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

59. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

60. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

61. This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!

62. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

63. Earth is full. Go home.

64. Is it time for your medication or mine?

65. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

66. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

67. I plead contemporary insanity.

68. And which dwarf are you?

69. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

70. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

71. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

72. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

73. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

74. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

75. Gene Police!!! Get out of the pool!!

76. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

Three Dogs...and a Collie

majoranon@gmail.com — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 00:05:57 GMT

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bull dog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a very nice looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say 'liver' and 'cheese' in a sentence can be my topdog." So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie says, "Sorry, that's not good enough." The Bull dog says, "I'll have some liver and cheese, please." She says, "Sorry, that's not creative enough." Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

majoranon@gmail.com — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 23:45:41 GMT

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
[with some personal commentary]

At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. [and hope that the cops who come riding by don’t shoot first mistaking the hair dryer to be a gun]

Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.

Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It “In.” [I’d love to do that to x-rays & CT scans]

Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ” For Smuggling Diamonds”

Finish All Your sentences with “In Accordance With The Prophecy.”

Don’t use any punctuation [bongi already follows the “don’t use capital letters” policy]

As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go.”

Sing Along At The Opera. [or at the kutcheri if you are in Chennai in December]

Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme?

Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day. [I don’t think this applies to us here in India - the mosquitoes will probably time their bites to the music]

Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You’re Not In The Mood.

Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream “I Won!, I Won!”

When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
“Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!”

Tell Your Children Over Dinner. “Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.”

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity…….

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

Its Called ……. therapy

I did better. I posted it in my blog for the benefit of my fans who probably number in the thousands (it could be the tens or hundreds of thousands or even millions, but I’m too modest).
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